I have no idea why I come back to this...just sometimes I get the urge to write, like somehow what I feel at the moment is something I need to perserve. Usually, it's not even when important events are occuring or even when I'm going through a lot. Sometimes...I'm just compelled.

I guess I can't believe it's here. Senior Year. The year of the 'lasts' Last prom, last 'first day', last homecoming, last football games, and last time I will see and be with the people I grew up with. Somehow, I just didn't see it turning out like this, but these thinigs have a knack to never turn out the way you wanted or expected. It's not necessairly bad but it's not exactly good either.

I'm confused. I've been confused probably my whole life and no matter how much faith I put into college - I'm sure I'll be confused there too. I feel as though I lack something but I cannot pinpoint what. When I see my friends and fellow classmates...there's a sense of commradorie and bond that I always wanted to have. I'm not sure why I'm not close with most of these people, for 90% of them; I used to be.

I wonder if it's just me. If I'm doing something wrong, being a bad friend. I pride myself for never conforming into any clique I belonged to but that has also left me with a bad side - I have no group. But somehow...I can't seem to logically figure that is the ONLY reason that I am not close with anyone at Boone. I mean, there are a lot of unique people and they all have a good group of friends. I try to be nice and respectful and overally outgoing but it just doesn't seem to work. I'm excellent at getting aquinanctes but never any real friends.

On a random note, I should be writing college applications (see how obsessed I am?) but I don't care.

I guess I should have said something. Anything. I mean, for a guy who wants to be a writer, and to suddenly seem like no words had ever been written. But for someone to tell you that they somehow stopped missing you, you're pretty much screwed -- no matter what you say. See, there had to be something right? Something that no one had ever said in the history of the world, something that could change this....

Well, I never thought I'd write in this thing again.

I'm pretty sure 3 AM isn't an optimuim time to do anything, except probably snooze so I'm sure this post will amount nothing but teen angst walllowing.

I have the cold, or maybe even the flu. I'm tired. My back hurts. I am waking up in 6 hours. I should be sleeping.

Oh, I forgot to mention---I am 17.

Damn. Time does sure zips by.

I also hate school. But this isn't about school, it's about my life (even though it seems 90% of my life amounts to a combination of school and homework).

I'm scared, about tomorrow, about next week, about the year, and about life. 17 years. What have I really accomplished? I mean, I guess I am young, but I just feel like I need to do more. Starting a local chapter of Love Letter: Random Acts of Kindness helped fill that need to help, but let's get honest, I only started it. The majority of the work is done by members, I just do all the background work. I should be doing more.

And on the slight topic of school, my social life has been on a constant slump since freshmen year. Looking back, I have no idea how my saccharine personality even made me well liked. I was a Grade A Asshole. I singled out people I would be friends with and even hang out with, even though I had numorous invites. I'm really not friends with most of the people now. Sophomore year. I was a wise fool. I guess that was the year I was breaking away from conformitity, but with a heavy price. I just don't get how fake high schoolers can be, and I am pretty sure I came off as fake too countless times so I wonder I even have the right to talk.

I came to the conclusion that high school is too competitve and it just brings the worst out. Everyone out there is striving for The Grade and The SAT Score. Seriously, I am defintely deserve to be clumped in this catogory, however, it is just retarded.

Going back on friends...I miss HOBY. I know it's so stupid...but the honest fact is my closest friends are the ones who live the farthest away. They were the people who called me on the birthday, they are the people who check up on me. They are the people who inspire me. I mean, look at some of them...there so outstanding. I just don't know...

You know what pissed me off so much today. In PreCalc, I turned in one homework assignment (I actually did like 3 but I couldn't find the other two) and they were worth 2.5, coming off total of 15 total point. Now I turned in one, so I should've gotten 2.5 points. Well, Mr. Floyd decided to ask the class if I deserved 2 pts, 2.5 pts, or 3 pts on the assigment (rounding down, keeping the same, rounding up). What did people ( who are apparently my 'friends') say? "Give him 2 points, so it would teach him a lesson." For real guy, um, who the hell are you to teach me a lesson. If you're sore that I can manage an A on a test without completing every assignment, while you do all of them. Fine. I mean, I don't really know how it's not fair, I mean while I am taking the test, it's my own work, using my own brain and knowledge. I earn my grades. For homework points, yeah, that's where I should be fairly penalized for not doing all my work. Notice I said fairly. If you did all your assignments and got 15 points, with each of them worth 2.5 points, you deserved it. But how can you say that if I turn in one COMPLETED ASSIGNMENT, that it's worth less than the same completed assignment you turned that was worth 2.5. We both did the same work on that assignment, so I mean, I should deserve 2.5.

Now I am not ranting about the loss of the .5 points. That doesn't matter to me. It's my 'friends' responses to his survey. Why are people so bitter? Why would you wanna negatively affect me, it wouldn't hurt you if I got 2.5 points. It wouldn't affect you. It would only affect me, and conversely, saying I deserve less than what I should get doesn't make you look better, give you a higher grade--you're only bring me down purposefully. I just don't understand how people can WANT to belittle other people that way. It's just sickening. These acts happen too often.

It's 4 AM now. I think I did enough ranting. I know this wouldn't even matter in a year, or even a month. I guess I just needed to get somethings off my chest.

Leaving on a postive note, Andrea and I had the most amazing conversation about Sweet Tea. I think I might start off my next post about that.

Night.

Hmmm, this weekend has been good enough, but oddly I can't sleep. Friday was a long day...I woke up at 4 AM, and probably went to bed at 2 or 3 AM. But it was fun, I went to Andre's and Tamara's case and Kristina was there. We just stayed in and watched a movie, like good ol' times. Some other stuff happend, but I don't remember.

Today was pretty good. I woke up did chores...and then babysat for some $$$ for Mother's day. Then I went to CityWalk with some friends.

Life's been going good, but I can't believe how fast everything is. To be honest, I kinda prefer last year, and especially the 2nd half of 2005 but eh. Life is good either way, I just wish I was a bit more outgoing. I kinda feel mellowed out lately. I just need something exciting to happen, like having a girlfriend. But I really don't wanna work on it, which is kinda bad to say, but it's the honest truth. Oh well.

Summer in 3 weeks! and then I will have Summer School for one month :/

It's been a while. The year is almost over, and wow what a weird year. So much good and bad but that's life. I realized that point of growing is realizing the part of you that can go through all hurt. I think I found that part in me. I've gone through alot, but I also love my life to death.

For people who know about Lexi, yeah it was effin drama fest like no other. But I know I wouldn't have it any other way. I learned more about myself through meeting her than I ever knew. I am hesistant to say I was/am in love with her, but I knew I did love her with all my heart. And I always will, but I know it's time to let go.

I think 2007 will be an amazing year=]

So I haven't updated in months...
A whole lot has happend, yet really, nothing happend so far in my life. School is increadibly busy this year...ap classes, sga, sports, clubs. Pretty much the works. I am kinda getting overwhelmed, but with Cross Country ending in like 3 weeks and homecoming in 2 weeks, everything will luckily slow down.

Um, the only major thing that has happend so far in my life is that I guess I finally understand what it means to really fall for a person, and getting hurt in the end. But I guess life goes on.

I'm kinda on the phone right now with Meggan so I'll update later...maybe


PEace

One fun night doesn't solve all your problems, but it sure does feel good as heck :)

I'm home...finally.
A lot has happend in Canada, so much that I have no place to start...but I kinda feel forgotten here, and like everyone seemed to change so much. I feel like an outcast. Well maybe these feelings will change once school starts up again but who knows...

HAPPY CANADA DAY!

haha nothing else to say. I'll probably do a real update later. Peace.

Hm, so much has happend the past few days, but I am not even going to take the time to write about it. I've decided, after talking to a few of my friends that summer is too short to worry or get upset over all these things I am going through. Live for the moment and enjoy it. That is my motto for the rest summer. Peace. -Abrams